Wicked Promo Tour Rankings

And a note on themed dressing

Hello, I am so sorry for this 9-day break. I have just been so busy working on my con law outline. But, with Wicked approaching in two days, I thought I would discuss this promo tour (namely, Ariana and Cynthia’s looks) and also just talk about how I hate red carpet themed dressing in general (with some exceptions).

Lettuce commence.

First, a note on themed dressing. To be blunt: I hate it. I think it’s a lazy cop-out for celebrities and it usually leans into cosplay and it’s just boring. There is nothing imaginative about showing up to your little witch movie dressed as a witch, sorry. Zendaya, early adopter of the themed dressing scheme, used to toe the line pretty well but since Barbie (more on that later) has gotten more literal with it.

Not to say stars shouldn’t allude to their movies at all at their premieres. I’m truly just asking for something a little less obvious. Showing up to your Wicked premiere in green and pink is just so. Like I knew going into this like last year we would be subject to just mountains of green and pink looks.

Like let’s look at Emma Stone’s look from the BAFTAs last year promoting Poor Things.

This headache-inducing orange sherbert color aside, the puff sleeve is a nice homage to the movie without coming to your premiere dressed in Victorian corsetry. See what I’m saying?

As I mentioned, Zendaya only dresses on-theme with varying results.

This to me is amazing. One of my favorite Zendaya looks of all time, actually. It’s a nice little nod to her movie (black and red) without plastering spiderwebs all over herself. Speaking of which,

Did you know she’s in a Spider-Man movie? No? Did the fucking mask and cobwebs not give it away for you? Like come on. In the immortal words of Abby Lee Miller, “Boring. Sloppy. Lazy.” (Zendaya, dw you’re never sloppy to me. Boring and lazy, maybe.)

Another example:

At the Endgame premiere, Brie Larson (left) and Scarlett Johansson both showed up with infinity gauntlets. Personally, I’m more partial to Brie’s interpretation because they’re just rings. Scarlett leans a little costumey. It’s all about balance.

I think Zendaya did a pretty good job for the first Dune and then she lost me a bit with the Mugler robot suit. (I understand the history of it all but also. Why.)

I guess my point is I like when the outfits go beyond the movie. Like yes, this is probably a reference to like the sand in Dune or something but it’s also just a beautifully sculpted dress.

This? Dumb as hell. Just wear a grass-colored dress for your tennis movie. Why the fuck would you paint the silhouette of a tennis player on it? DID YOU KNOW I’M IN A TENNIS MOVIE???

It’s not enough that her dress looks like a birdie and she has tennis netting in between the panels, let’s also just throw stupid tennis racket decals all over it. By the way, DID YOU KNOW I’M IN A TENNIS MOVIE?

Say it with me: it’s all about balance.

(Except the Barbie press tour was done perfectly because the only way to promote your doll movie is to dress up your star as the doll. Margot & Co. executed it perfectly. Barbenheimer forever.)

So, with all that said, let us get into the Wicked press tour. I will be ranking the premieres: Los Angeles, New York, London, Mexico City, and Sydney.

5. Mexico City

I hate this. Forget the theming, it’s just ugly. Both looks. Jonathan Bailey, you’ve never done anything wrong. I can appreciate Cynthia’s Thom Browne look isn’t a direct reference but girl that’s just hideous. All of Ariana’s looks have to come with the caveat that the shade of blonde and those fucking eyebrows are atrocious. The pastels do nothing for her. But beyond that, I hate the bust on her Versace gown.

Rating: 1/5

4. Los Angeles

I think Idina and Kristin did it better with a nice homage without looking costumey. But besides that, Cynthia’s Louis Vuitton is such a garish shade of green but it’s better without the coat. Ariana’s Thom Browne is like so twee and precious, but the gingham is a nice nod towards the source material. I don’t know it’s just so uninspired. And her facial expressions are insane. Fix the eyebrows.

3. New York

Ariana’s makeup artist needs to be fired. Did she get a shitty brow lift or something? She’s in Louis Vuitton and it’s ugly for sure but I like that it’s a darker pink. I don’t think she looks good per se but it’s a nice change from pastels. I actually really like Cynthia’s Dior. It’s appropriately witchy without veering into costume.

2. Sydney

To be fair, these looks are a slay but Ariana’s Vivienne Westwood is just too on-the-nose for me. But I really like that shade of pink and I like the embellishments on the bodice and sleeves. It really is a beautiful dress but it’s quite literally just Glinda. I actually like Cynthia’s Louis Vuitton look but the dress itself is kinda ugly. But as a whole, it’s a slay.

1. London

And here we have #1. As for Ariana’s Ralph Lauren, I really wish the color was anything but that dingy yellow. Like imagine it in a golden color. Or a dark green. But I love the dress silhouette and the tulle. It’s an homage to an outfit Glinda wears in the musical, hence the glasses, but that yellow just looks terrible against her skintone. Also +1 I can’t see her eyebrows with the sunglasses. Onto Cynthia. You know me and Schiaparelli. It’s a little too robotic for me but I love the skirt. I’m not jazzed about the hat but I love the drama of the entire look.

Okay that’s it. No spoilers please. I’ve never seen Wicked, I’ve never listened to the soundtrack in full (the only songs I know were in Glee), and I don’t know any plot beats. I don’t even know why Glinda’s name changes from Galinda. I’m going to watch Wicked over Christmas and Gladiator II over Thanksgiving because I refuse to participate in “Glicked.”