in re: liam payne

you and me got a whole of history

Bar Taylor, One Direction is one of the most consequential musical acts in my life. It was my first introduction to online fandom and it was the closest we’d ever get to Beatlemania until the Eras Tour. I made and deepened friendships, traveled to places I wouldn’t go near with a gun (Chicago), and just kind of existed in moderate bliss for the five years they were in my life. From senior year of high school to senior year of undergrad, One Direction was the soundtrack to my life, which was arguably the best era to have a stupid British boyband be the backdrop for.

I have a lot of wonderful memories attached to One Direction: my friend Aly and I buying tickets a whole year in advance for the Take Me Home tour FLOOR SEATS for a whopping $250; my friend Chrissy and I staying in to watch them on SNL with Paul Rudd, only to be forced outside to participate in the famed Cedar Village riots after MSU made it to the Rose Bowl; and my friend Caitlin and I going to all of our shows together. So, it has been quite surreal. I’m…sad, while being able to acknowledge completely that Liam Payne was a shitty person. But it’s hard not to feel sorry for the guy and mourn for what he could’ve been.

I called my mom this morning to tell her the news and she said something along the lines of, “Who cares if people don’t like you anymore?” It must be so hard to peak when you’re young and then be forced to acknowledge that as you get older, you’ll never have that again. I think that’s why, even knowing that fame is a fickle friend, Taylor just always needs to be more with each passing era, because I don’t think the human psyche can handle mass adoration one day and just…indifference the next. And I just think all of this is really sad. And it’s weird to navigate.

Like I kind of feel like Bart Simpson staring off into the distance.

I’m not going to cry about it and I’m not grieving per se but I am sad for the fans, his family, his son, and what could have been.

It’s no secret Liam took One Direction the most seriously, and I think his persona of being the leader was a reflection of that. He wanted it the most. Going back to what I said a few weeks ago regarding Chappell Roan, there needs to be an alchemy of three things to be a successful celebrity: the level of fame, the desire to be famous, and the talent to back it up. And he had that for five years with One Direction. And I imagine losing it kind of unceremoniously strips you of your identity and is incredibly demoralizing. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like, nor do I ever with to.

Is it silly to write all of this about an abusive ex-boybander? Perhaps. But One Direction changed my life one way or another, so I kind of owe it to myself, if anything.

Anyways, it just sucks that his life ended this way.

Is this how it felt when John Lennon died?